Monday, May 9, 2011
Is This Real or Just a Movie
A letter to the Boston Celtics,
Boston, I implore you, nay I beg you, can you please beat the Miami Heat? The entire regular season was just a long set up for you to crush them in the playoffs; and now I and the greater New England area are left holding our collective breath as Miami looks poised to advance. With every Lebron James dunk (and their have been plenty), we cringe. With every Dwayne Wade cross-over (and their have been plenty), we cringe. With every minute Boston looks shaky, old and unable to hang (basically all 96 of them), we cringe and ask ourselves; does the bad guy really win in this one?
If the Heat win it will go against every movie I've ever seen and every story I've ever been told. The villain isn't allowed to triumph in the end. Justice must be served and the bad guy must meet their maker at the hands of a generous hero. So I ask you Boston, can you be that hero? If you can't, that means Rudy never got to play in college, nobody remembered the titans, and Bruce Willis got shot right after he said "Yippee ki-yay mother fucker". Please Boston, don't let Bruce get shot.
The crazy part is this NBA season really is starting to feel like a movie. The moment Lebron tried to make his head bigger by sticking his ego in it and taking his talents to South Beach he became the villain. Jerseys were burned, he was booed across the country and everyone decided the Heat were their least favorite team. Playing the villain role perfectly Lebron was even able to recruit Chris Bosh into his company of hot headed evil doers. The only thing this story needs is a hero and the Boston Celtics have arrived wearing green capes and ready to kick ass. Like the old grizzled cop taking one last case before he retires, Boston is a team made up of respected veterans with one last shot at winning the title. Could this season be more like a movie? This couldn't be more scripted if it was the WWE (if this was the WWE the Heat would get power bombed in game 7).
The only thing this script is missing so far is a sidekick. The young tough up-start who thinks he's ready, has a chance, but in the end might find out his time isn't until the sequel. During the 2011 NBA season, this part has been played by the Chicago Bulls (yes I just called the Bulls Robin and I deeply apologize, but at least you get to make out with Uma Thurman in one scene). The Bulls have looked good all year but have struggled some in the playoffs. They may have to wait until next year, or this is the part in the movie where the student tells the master to move over and takes down the bad guy himself. And so in the playoffs we have the cast and we have the plot. The only thing left is to see how the third act ends and again I ask, Boston, please don't let the heat win. If you do, there is at least a 70% chance Lebron releases a rap album this summer.
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I think this is the analogy you're looking for:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPLXwrj7i7Q
It doesn't really make sense until about 2:45, but that's when it really starts to get good.
Qui-Gon (remember he's the older, wiser, more experienced Jedi Master) jumps out of the gate and starts duking it out with Darth Maul. Notice Qui-Gon's lightsaber (green? Celtics? duh...). Also, check out Darth Maul's lightsaber (red? Heat? double sided?? Lebron/D-Wade??) Damn, this is accurate.
Meanwhile, Obi-Wan (the younger, less experienced, yet more bad-ass Jedi Apprentice) can only watch because he's tied up with some stupid red barrier, even though everyone knows he's going to get past it eventually (Atlanta??). It's just a matter of when.
Unfortunately, while Obi-Wan is still being blocked by Josh Smith and the rest of that pesky red barrier, the old and feeble Qui-Gon gets beaten pretty handily by D-Maul in what looks to be about a 5-game series. Things are looking pretty bad, right? Is this movie about to suck? Nope!
Enter Obi-Wan. The red barrier is finally down and the recently-named Most Valuable Jedi isn't going to let Darth Maul off easy. They duke it out for a while. Things seem to go back and forth until Darth Maul snatches the upper hand. It looks like he's won 3 games and is just about to close in on that 4th win. Nope!
Out of freaking nowhere, the Bulls bust out their St. Patricks Day jerseys (http://solecollector.com/media/rez/?src=/media/u/615_1817136364.jpg&w=330&h=187&zc=1&jhj=47589) (i.e. by grabbing Qui-Gon's green lightsaber, in case anybody missed what I was going for there...) and take down the Heat in a crazy 7th game.
No worries, Gerbec. The movie ending is still intact (literally)