The Champ Is Here

There is something different about the WWE these days. Vince McMahon is wrestling-retired (similar to Brett Favre-retired), Triple H is in charge of all the decisions, and CM Punk is starting to move up into that rarefied air of villains who grow so popular, they become heroes. The Rock did it, Stone Cold did it, and last night, CM Punk moved one step closer to doing it. I realize comparing CM Punk to those two is a bit like comparing Kurt Warner to Joe Montana or John Elway. Sure he’s good, but to compare him to the best ever would bring a deserved volley of “What?” from Austin fans, and a request to turn that comparison sideways from fans of The Rock.

 That being said, Punk is traveling down a road that has ended in super stardom in the past. It continued last night with the first guitar chord of entrance music. Living Colour’s “Cult Of Personality” brought out an energetic Punk for his own private sit down in the ring — just him, a mic, and the belt. Once seated, Punk proceeded to rip WWE management, play on the newly discovered vitriol for John Cena, and proclaim his love for the fans. For a former villain hated by fans, that is a check, check, and check for winning over the masses.

Ever since Punk’s now famous rant where he lambasted Vince McMahon to the point of his mic getting cut, he has made a weekly habit of attacking the WWE front office. This is nothing new. Austin did it and everybody started slamming beers together. DX did it and everybody started yelling “Suck It”. Now Punk is doing it with similar results. More and more people are buying Punk shirts, and more and more people cheer when he strides across the runway. The cheers continued Monday as he mocked Triple H in the ring on two occasions. They grew louder as he raised the belt above his head. And they turned up to eleven when he and Cena traded title-belt-raises and music cues to end the show. Cena with his substitute belt, and Punk with the real thing — Punk is becoming Raw. The cheers and support grow louder every week. Just as he stole Cena’s “The champ is here” tag line several times last night, he is slowly stealing the show from John Cena. Whether he is successful or not, will be determined at SummerSlam where, as announced by Triple H last night, Cena and Punk will have a match for the WWE title.

Of course there were actual matches last night too. There was an absolutely-nobody-cares-tag-team match. The current champs, David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty, took down Zack Ryder and Santino Marella. There was a these-four-guys-this-could-be-interesting-tag-match that saw The Miz and R-Truth leave victorious over John Morrison and Rey Mysterio. Current Money In The Bank briefcase holder Alberto Del Rio, managed to notch an arm-bar victory over Evan Bourne in a match that was used to bolster Del Rio’s rivalry with Kofi Kingston. These two will likely have a very good match at SummerSlam. There was also a Diva’s Royal Rumble that saw Beth Phoenix winning, and ten thousand people take a bathroom break.  

As promised before, I have also included an update of the WWE Fantasy League I am involved in. I am currently bringing up the rear thanks to a Big Show Injury and Cena not having an actual match last night. Cena is basically my entire team at this point, and if he doesn’t score big, then I don’t score at all. Hopefully he can pick it up next week, and get me some much needed points at SummerSlam two weekends from now. If not, I’m looking at a very Carolina Panthersesque season in the foreseeable future.

Oh You Didn't Know

We all had different experiences in college. Some of us partied more than we went to class. Some of us didn’t miss a lecture, but left millions of Solo Cups un-flipped. There were those of us, including myself, who fell in love with college sports, while others could take it or leave it. All of us were interested in, and to varying degrees were successful with, the opposite sex (you may be able to deduce which one I was through out this column about a fantasy wrestling league). We played sports, played music, joined clubs, took tests, got drunk, got high, got arrested, fell in love, fell out of love and in general had a lifetime of experiences and memories in only four, well, sometimes five, years.

Along with a lifetime of experience, college also gave us the habits and traditions that shape us as people. These habits can be anything from the career we choose, to the beer we drink, to the people we date. And for some--for those lucky few whose Monday nights weren’t busy with finishing homework but rather with finishing moves--those fortunate souls chose long ago to denounce the traditions of right and wrong in exchange for the much purer system of face and heel. Those habits involve sitting down for Monday Night Raw and getting lost in the WWE.

First, a public service announcement: I speak for all wrestling fans who are smart enough to spell WWE when I say, we know it’s fake. We are well aware that professional wrestling is a show put on by actors too big (and too bad at acting) to fit on a regular camera. We know that each match is scripted, and the outcome is determined before the action even starts. We know it’s basically a joke. Here’s the thing, we’re in on it. We don’t care that it’s scripted. In fact, most TV shows are scripted. This TV show happens to feature fifteen foot back flips and chairs to the face. Both of which are better than anything Franklin and Bash has to offer.

Even WWE acknowledged the non-sport nature of their product by naming it World Wrestling Entertainment. To become a fan of WWE, it must be consumed within the context of a regular TV show, and in this context, it becomes better than a lot of the junk on TV today. If you must think of it in sports terms, the fact that it’s scripted may help its cause since the WWE can put anything they want into any match. Imagine a football game where you’re guaranteed to see a 60-yard bomb from Peyton, or a baseball game with a guaranteed ninth-inning home run. Wouldn’t you be more inclined to order the next UFC pay per view if you knew the main event was ending with a knock out? The point is, if you just relax and quit worrying about how fake wrestling is, it can actually be pretty fun. 

All right, enough on my defense of the WWE and wasting every Monday night of my life for the past three and a half years. Back to the point of this article. In today’s society, we all want to be more involved. We vote on polls on websites; we start blogs. Sportscenter now shows tweets and texts from fans because we desperately want to be part of the action. So when my buddies and I sit down for an episode of RAW, there is always an urge for more. Naturally, we started a fantasy league. In the dog days of summer, with no end to the NFL lockout in site, we realized we needed to play fantasy something, and WWE was the obvious choice. So the four of us, my buddies C-Ezy, Big Scoob, Herbert and myself decided to create our own rules and start a league that runs for the rest of the year, and up to Wrestlemania 2012. And because I write for this website, and football season hasn’t started yet, I have decided to update it as a weekly feature. Every week I’ll recap scores and anything exciting that happened during that week’s Monday Night Raw. And remember, because its scripted, something exciting will happen. For now, here is our league’s constitution explaining how everything works. All rules subject to change because, well, its a WWE fantasy league.

Honorable Royal Congressional Constitutional Constitution Of The WWE Fantasy League

We gather here for the sake of America, freeness, freedom, and all things free, to celebrate the incarnation of American values that is the WWE. Ever since man invented sound, he has been filled with the desire to hit his fellow man with the ring bell. Ever since man grew civilized enough to eat at the dinner table, he has sought to slam his fellow man through it. And ever since man needed a titantron, he has yearned to swanton bomb off it wearing faggy make up. Many generations have witnessed and celebrated history inside the squared circle, and today we celebrate it the only way we know how, creating a fantasy league so we can beat our friends. Below is the first draft manifesto of rules for the innagural WWE Fantasy (not fake) Wrestling League.

The Basics
The league will consist of four teams. More may be added when the league takes off and we decide to monetize it, but for now it will be four teams. The season will last from the Money In The Bank pay per view through Wrestlemania. Points will be given out each week based on how well a teams roster performs on the corresponding episode of Monday Night Raw. Athletes will earn points throughout the episode based on match performance and several other factors detailed below. Whichever team ends up with the most points that episode wins that week A win gives that team 4 points, second place gets 2 points, third place gets 1 point, and fourth place gets 0 points. Points can also be earned during pay per views. The same Monday Night Raw scoring system will be used for each pay per view where points earned will be doubled. Wrestlemania will be the last chance to earn points, and the amount of points will be decided on a later date. The team with the most points at the conclusion of Wrestlemania will win the league and a prize to be determined later  

Rosters
Rosters will be made up of 4 Superstars and 1 diva. All players on a roster are eligible to score points every week. Rosters will be determined the night of the draft where teams will select Superstars from the current Raw roser. The only way to change your roster after the draft is through trades or through re-drafts. Trades may happen any time but they must occur on a player for player basis. More than one player may be traded at a time, but you have to get back as many players as you give up. Re-drafts will occur after every pay per view starting with Summer Slam. No re-draft will be held after Money In The Bank. In the event of a re-draft, every team’s last two selected athletes will be placed on waivers and made available to all teams. Teams will keep their first three athletes for the duration of the season unless they are traded. So if you happen to select Rey Mysterio and Alex Riley in the first round, too bad. The order of the re-draft will go from last to first in both rounds giving the last place person the first and fifth pick of the re-draft. As is the case with the original draft, teams can only select players from the current Raw roster. Players will earn points based on the scoring system outlined below.   

Basic Points

• Appearance on an episode of Raw or in a pay per view: 1 point
• Match Win by pinfall, submission, or KO: 4 points
• Tag Team Win: 3 points - In tag team matches, teams only earn points for the Superstar on their roster
• Count Out Win: 1 Points
• DQ Win: 1 point
• Hit Finishing Move: 2 Points each - Only one finishing move allowed, name when wrestler is drafted
• Main Event Appearance: 2 points - added to match points
• Beat Champion (Non-Title Match): 1 point - added to match win.

Match Stipulations
Additional points will be awards for wins based on the following match stipulations. In all cases, points are only awarded to the winning Superstar.

• Royal Rumble Match: 10 points.
• King of the Ring Tournament: 10 points.
• Money in the Bank Match: 8 points.
• Elimination Chamber Match: 8 points.
• Hell in a Cell Match: 5 points.
• Battle Royal: 3 points.
• I Quit Match: 3 points.
• Iron Man Match: 3 points.
• Last Man Standing Match: 3 points.
• Tables, ladders AND/OR Chairs Match: 3 points.
• Buried Alive or Casket Match: 3 points.
• First Blood Match: 3 points.
• Steel Cage Match: 3 points.
• No Holds Barred Match. 1 point.
• Falls Count Anywhere Match: 1 point.
• Guest Referee Match: 1 points.
• No DQ Match: 1 points.
• LumberJack Match: 1 point.
• 6-Man Tag Match: 1 point.
• Other If it's not on the list it's 1 point.

Titles
Any match with a title on the line will also have additional points added to it. Again, all points are given to match winners only.

• World Heavyweight Title: 11 points for winning, 6 points for defending.
• WWE Championship: 11 points for winning, 6 points for defending.
• US Championship: 8 points for winning, 4 points for defending.
• Intercontinental Championship: 8 points for winning, 4 points for defending.
• Tag Team Championship: 6 points for winning, 3 points for defending.
• Divas Championship: 3 points for winning, 2 points for defending.
• No. 1 Contenter's Match: Contender's Match: 2 point.

Several Other Factors
All points in this category are given out on a per episode basis.

• Relationship with a diva is mentioned: 1 point
• Turn back on former friend: 1 point
• Insults Vince Mcmahon: 1 point
• Insults announcers: 1 point
• If the comish determines a diva pin to be hot: 1 point for both divas involved
• Using third person: 1 point
• Sits at announcers table and talks during match: 2 points
• Destroys another superstars personal property: 3 points
• Is guilty of home invasion: 5 points
• Purposely loses a match: -3 points