Along with a lifetime of experience, college also gave us the habits and traditions that shape us as people. These habits can be anything from the career we choose, to the beer we drink, to the people we date. And for some--for those lucky few whose Monday nights weren’t busy with finishing homework but rather with finishing moves--those fortunate souls chose long ago to denounce the traditions of right and wrong in exchange for the much purer system of face and heel. Those habits involve sitting down for Monday Night Raw and getting lost in the WWE.
First, a public service announcement: I speak for all wrestling fans who are smart enough to spell WWE when I say, we know it’s fake. We are well aware that professional wrestling is a show put on by actors too big (and too bad at acting) to fit on a regular camera. We know that each match is scripted, and the outcome is determined before the action even starts. We know it’s basically a joke. Here’s the thing, we’re in on it. We don’t care that it’s scripted. In fact, most TV shows are scripted. This TV show happens to feature fifteen foot back flips and chairs to the face. Both of which are better than anything Franklin and Bash has to offer.
Even WWE acknowledged the non-sport nature of their product by naming it World Wrestling Entertainment. To become a fan of WWE, it must be consumed within the context of a regular TV show, and in this context, it becomes better than a lot of the junk on TV today. If you must think of it in sports terms, the fact that it’s scripted may help its cause since the WWE can put anything they want into any match. Imagine a football game where you’re guaranteed to see a 60-yard bomb from Peyton, or a baseball game with a guaranteed ninth-inning home run. Wouldn’t you be more inclined to order the next UFC pay per view if you knew the main event was ending with a knock out? The point is, if you just relax and quit worrying about how fake wrestling is, it can actually be pretty fun.
All right, enough on my defense of the WWE and wasting every Monday night of my life for the past three and a half years. Back to the point of this article. In today’s society, we all want to be more involved. We vote on polls on websites; we start blogs. Sportscenter now shows tweets and texts from fans because we desperately want to be part of the action. So when my buddies and I sit down for an episode of RAW, there is always an urge for more. Naturally, we started a fantasy league. In the dog days of summer, with no end to the NFL lockout in site, we realized we needed to play fantasy something, and WWE was the obvious choice. So the four of us, my buddies C-Ezy, Big Scoob, Herbert and myself decided to create our own rules and start a league that runs for the rest of the year, and up to Wrestlemania 2012. And because I write for this website, and football season hasn’t started yet, I have decided to update it as a weekly feature. Every week I’ll recap scores and anything exciting that happened during that week’s Monday Night Raw. And remember, because its scripted, something exciting will happen. For now, here is our league’s constitution explaining how everything works. All rules subject to change because, well, its a WWE fantasy league.
Honorable Royal Congressional Constitutional Constitution Of The WWE Fantasy League
We gather here for the sake of America, freeness, freedom, and all things free, to celebrate the incarnation of American values that is the WWE. Ever since man invented sound, he has been filled with the desire to hit his fellow man with the ring bell. Ever since man grew civilized enough to eat at the dinner table, he has sought to slam his fellow man through it. And ever since man needed a titantron, he has yearned to swanton bomb off it wearing faggy make up. Many generations have witnessed and celebrated history inside the squared circle, and today we celebrate it the only way we know how, creating a fantasy league so we can beat our friends. Below is the first draft manifesto of rules for the innagural WWE Fantasy (not fake) Wrestling League.
The Basics
The league will consist of four teams. More may be added when the league takes off and we decide to monetize it, but for now it will be four teams. The season will last from the Money In The Bank pay per view through Wrestlemania. Points will be given out each week based on how well a teams roster performs on the corresponding episode of Monday Night Raw. Athletes will earn points throughout the episode based on match performance and several other factors detailed below. Whichever team ends up with the most points that episode wins that week A win gives that team 4 points, second place gets 2 points, third place gets 1 point, and fourth place gets 0 points. Points can also be earned during pay per views. The same Monday Night Raw scoring system will be used for each pay per view where points earned will be doubled. Wrestlemania will be the last chance to earn points, and the amount of points will be decided on a later date. The team with the most points at the conclusion of Wrestlemania will win the league and a prize to be determined later
Rosters
Rosters will be made up of 4 Superstars and 1 diva. All players on a roster are eligible to score points every week. Rosters will be determined the night of the draft where teams will select Superstars from the current Raw roser. The only way to change your roster after the draft is through trades or through re-drafts. Trades may happen any time but they must occur on a player for player basis. More than one player may be traded at a time, but you have to get back as many players as you give up. Re-drafts will occur after every pay per view starting with Summer Slam. No re-draft will be held after Money In The Bank. In the event of a re-draft, every team’s last two selected athletes will be placed on waivers and made available to all teams. Teams will keep their first three athletes for the duration of the season unless they are traded. So if you happen to select Rey Mysterio and Alex Riley in the first round, too bad. The order of the re-draft will go from last to first in both rounds giving the last place person the first and fifth pick of the re-draft. As is the case with the original draft, teams can only select players from the current Raw roster. Players will earn points based on the scoring system outlined below.
Basic Points
- Appearance on an episode of Raw or in a pay per view: 1 point
- Match Win by pinfall, submission, or KO: 4 points
- Tag Team Win: 3 points - In tag team matches, teams only earn points for the Superstar on their roster
- Count Out Win: 1 Points
- DQ Win: 1 point
- Hit Finishing Move: 2 Points each - Only one finishing move allowed, name when wrestler is drafted
- Main Event Appearance: 2 points - added to match points
- Beat Champion (Non-Title Match): 1 point - added to match win.
Additional points will be awards for wins based on the following match stipulations. In all cases, points are only awarded to the winning Superstar.
- Royal Rumble Match: 10 points.
- King of the Ring Tournament: 10 points.
- Money in the Bank Match: 8 points.
- Elimination Chamber Match: 8 points.
- Hell in a Cell Match: 5 points.
- Battle Royal: 3 points.
- I Quit Match: 3 points.
- Iron Man Match: 3 points.
- Last Man Standing Match: 3 points.
- Tables, ladders AND/OR Chairs Match: 3 points.
- Buried Alive or Casket Match: 3 points.
- First Blood Match: 3 points.
- Steel Cage Match: 3 points.
- No Holds Barred Match. 1 point.
- Falls Count Anywhere Match: 1 point.
- Guest Referee Match: 1 points.
- No DQ Match: 1 points.
- LumberJack Match: 1 point.
- 6-Man Tag Match: 1 point.
- Other If it's not on the list it's 1 point.
Any match with a title on the line will also have additional points added to it. Again, all points are given to match winners only.
- World Heavyweight Title: 11 points for winning, 6 points for defending.
- WWE Championship: 11 points for winning, 6 points for defending.
- US Championship: 8 points for winning, 4 points for defending.
- Intercontinental Championship: 8 points for winning, 4 points for defending.
- Tag Team Championship: 6 points for winning, 3 points for defending.
- Divas Championship: 3 points for winning, 2 points for defending.
- No. 1 Contenter's Match: Contender's Match: 2 point.
All points in this category are given out on a per episode basis.
- Relationship with a diva is mentioned: 1 point
- Turn back on former friend: 1 point
- Insults Vince Mcmahon: 1 point
- Insults announcers: 1 point
- If the comish determines a diva pin to be hot: 1 point for both divas involved
- Using third person: 1 point
- Sits at announcers table and talks during match: 2 points
- Destroys another superstars personal property: 3 points
- Is guilty of home invasion: 5 points
- Purposely loses a match: -3 points
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